This Never Happened
by sesshygirl3
Summary: Kabuto/Shizune. Sorta. Lots of Sake. An encounter in the woods. Humor for sure.


Tsunade was a very influencing person. But don't make that out to be a good thing. Shizune massaged her temples restlessly. She wasn't sure which gave her a bigger head ache, the unreliable Hokage or the hangover from one too many drinks the night before. The term 'drive me to drink' couldn't have been better emphasized right then. Yes, Tsunade was very influencing. Now both her and her assistant fought over the last bottle of sake every night. And people wondered where the villages' money was going…

Shizune spread her arms and stretched her legs out onto the soft blades of grass beneath her. When everything else fails, nature can be your only forgiving friend. Her eyes wandered over the serene color of the dusk sky, stars beginning to peek out, reddish pink with a tint of gray settling behind the horizon. What she wouldn't give to unwind like this more often.

But of course, moments like this only come a few times in a ninja's life, and for Shizune it was over.

Her ears picked up the sharp sound of twigs snapping and she quickly flipped onto her stomach, pressing her body as close to the ground as possible. Shizune moved silently from her spot on the ground to a crouching position behind a tree, a kunai fast in her hand. She definitely felt someone's presence. Wait, she could hear it too. The unknown being let out a raspy cough and moan, a soft thump told her the person was no longer on it's feet.

She carefully peered from behind her tree and immediately spotted the unknown presence. White hair strewn around a pale face which was speckled with blood, black rimmed glasses over eyes that were closed, Shizune moved in for a closer examination.

He was lying face down on the ground breathing shallow, and it wasn't until she turned his body over did she recognize who exactly _he_ was.

"Y-You!" she exclaimed

Kabuto slowly lifted a heavy eyelid and sighed before trying to reach down towards his weapon pouch, but his arm was not moving. It didn't seem any of him was moving. It really was a shame he had to run into her of all people, and now of all times. It looked like karma had finally caught up with him.

"Kabuto!" He inwardly rolled his eyes. Was she still going on about that? Was it so surprising to show up half dead on the outskirts of Konoha?

"Just hurry up…" He muttered, the blood was starting to fill his lungs.

"Hurry up what? Why are you here?" And he actually thought she was clever at one point.

"You're going to kill me right? Hurry up with it then,"

Shizune frowned slightly and took another look over his damaged body. Sure she didn't like him; sure he'd almost killed Tsunade, Naruto-kun, and herself, but he hadn't done anything this time around, and that was all under Orochimaru's command- Shoot!

"If you're here, doesn't that mean Orochimaru is too?"

"Orochimaru-sama isn't here… If he was, do you think I'd be like this?"

She didn't trust him, not one bit, but she couldn't feel anyone else's presence either.

"Now, if you'll just hurry up with-"

"-I know I know, stop being so eager so die." She moved over to his side and raised the kunai over his chest. Kabuto closed his eyes; he seemed to be holding his breath. Shizune looked over him one more time before biting her lip with uncertainty. "How did you get those wounds anyways? They're pretty serious."

Kabuto let out his breath, clearly annoyed. "You are an-" A sudden fit of coughing stopped him mid sentence. He gagged on the blood that filled his mouth and fell silent.

Shizune mentally kicked herself. She would really regret doing this one day. She brought the kunai down, and dragged it across his chest tearing the fabric of his shirt. He gave her a quizzical look as she traced the bruises on his stomach with her finger tips. "You're bleeding internally; it looks like the cardiac muscles and **keirakukei*** around your heart have been damaged. If you don't fix it soon your body with go into arrhythmia."

Kabuto gave her an amused look. "You can tell all that just by looking at the bruise? Not bad…"

Ignoring his comment she continued to exam his body taking mental notes along the way. "You're thigh bones cracked and your right arm's bleeding… Yo-"

"-Oh wait, don't tell me. I'll die if I loose anymore blood," She sent him an icy glare in return. He coughed up more blood.

Shizune sighed and began to heal his wounds; if anyone found out about this she was so dead. What in the world was wrong with her? Healing Konoha's worst enemy's subordinate so he could continue to plot against them? It must be the booze.

The raven haired girl threw herself backwards in exhaustion. She's used just about all of her chakra and he still wasn't completely healed. At least the wounds weren't fatal anymore.

Shizune continued muttering things to herself, _stupid, defected, Tsunade, booze, shit_-

Kabuto just stared at her the entire time. "Shizune, right?"

The girl just about jumped out of her skin, it was as if she forgot he was there. What kind of ninja was she?

"Y-yeah," She held up the kunai in front of her.

"You're an idiot,"

She blinked. "What?"

"I said you're an idiot. Why did you save me?"

Shizune averted her eyes from him, clearly stalling for a decent answer. "It's not the Konoha way to kill an enemy who's unable to fight,"

"That is such bullshit,"

"… Shut up,"

Kabuto moved into a sitting position and faced her. "I would have killed you,"

Shizune blanched. "You're an asshole,"

"I know, that's why Orochimaru-sama likes me,"

"I only kept you alive for interrogation, nothing more," _Good one Shizune good one!_

Kabuto gave her a dubious look.

"Anyways, why didn't you heal yourself? You're a good enough medic-nin." Shizune said.

"I did, I just didn't have enough Chakra to finish up. I guess it's a good thing I ran into you… Bye." Kabuto stood and began to saunter away into the forest, or at least he tried.

"Hey, Hey! You really shouldn't move yet." There was a sickening crack and Kabuto fell down on one knee, cursing under his breath.

"What the hell did you do to me?"

Shizune stuck out her tongue. "Make sure you don't get away, nyah."

"…" Kabuto groaned and sat down, resting against a tree. "Fine, I'd rather be here than with Orochimaru-sama anyways. He'd make me go through another play session if he found out I failed the mission…"

"What?"

"Nothing."

Shizune glared at him. "Don't start going all pity party on me; you think being with Tsunade-sama is easy?"

"I don't really care,"

She clenched her fist. "I should have let you die, bastard!"

"Yes, you should have,"

She couldn't believe this guy. It was like he could see right through her and wasn't afraid to say so either. Didn't he know she could kill him on the spot? Did he even care? She wouldn't lose this verbal battle, no matter what.

"Tch. You're an eyesore; I shouldn't have expected someone who can't fix their eyesight to be able to heal themselves. And could you have picked dorkier glasses?" Shizune patted herself on the back.

"My eyesight's just fine," Was his retort. "I wear them because they give me a more trusting, kind look. As a spy I need to gain peoples trust and the easiest way to do that is look… well, trustful." He took his glasses off for emphasis.

Shizune was, if possible, disliking this guy more and more. He was arrogant, but in a smart-ass way. He was able to outwit her in verbal fights. His hair was prettier than hers. His eyes could see right through her. His eyes were prettier than hers too!

"… Yeah, I guess they are. You're really not cute at all."

Shizune hadn't realized she said the last part out loud.

The medic kunoichi smacked herself. She had just told the guy his eyes were pretty.

"… You do know your saying this all aloud don't you?"

Shizune shrieked and yanked on the coils of black that covered her head. It had to be the booze it just had to be. Oh, how she despised Tsunade and her influencing ways right then. How she despised the boy whose hair and eyes were prettier than hers. How she wished they'd all just disappear! There was only one thing to do.

Shizune reached into a little pouch she'd brought with her and retrieved two bottles. Kabuto who had been watching with growing apprehension throughout her entire fit fixed his sight upon the two bottles, fearful of what they may contain. Maybe she was going to kill him after all.

"Here," She forced the bottle into hands. "Drink with me,"

He tried to hide his incredulous look but failed miserably. Had she lost her mind? "I'm not drinking anything,"

She rolled her eyes and sat down next to him. "Why not? You can't do anything else for the next 24 hours, we both need a break from our insane Sannins, and alcohol makes you feel great. So how bout' it?" He considered her for a moment.

Oh what the hell, why not?

Kabuto grabbed the bottled, popped the cork and took a long deep swig. The sake ran down his throat leaving a burning trail behind which immediately caused a warm bubbling sensation in his stomach. Shizune quickly followed suit.

"What's it like living with Orochimaru?" She hiccupped.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean. It must suck. Living with a 50 year old pedophile… And you being young and all…"

Kabuto shrugged. "It's not that bad, he's usually busy with Sasuke-kun anyways,"

Shizune nodded and took another sip. "Living with Tsunade is hard, even as Hokage. She keeps wasting the village funds on gambling and alcohol. I'm so broke it's not even funny,"

"Orochimaru-sama never cleans the castle; it just gets filled again by the next week,"

"Filled with what?"

"Bodies. Young. Male. Bodies. "

"Oh,"

"Tsunade-sama makes me feel old,"

"But you're like 30 years younger than her,"

"Yeah, But she won't tell me how to get them that big."

"Artificial boobs like that are for skanks," Shizune snorted into her sake.

"You just called the 5th Hokage a skank,"

Kabuto shrugged and swallowed another mouthful. "Orochimaru-sama like's the glasses more than I do,"

"Huh?"

"He says they do it when we play doctor,"

"What?"

"Nothing,"

Shizune turned her defocused gaze towards the night sky. "One time, Tsunade-sama and I were so broke she made me get a job…"

"What kind of job?"

"Exotic dancing,"

Kabuto just barely caught the bottle that'd slipped from his grasp. "Are you serious?"

"I used genjutsu of course,"

"Oh… That's alright then…"

"Not,"

"What?"

"Nothing," Two more swallows.

"I kind of really hate that Uchiha brat,"

"Why?"

"Orochimaru-sama never played nurse with me,"

"Huh?"

"We never can decide who's on top. But he lets that Uchiha brat drive sometimes. He's obviously picking favorites,"

"Whoa, that's…"

"What?"

Shizune shook her head. "Nothing,"

Kabuto turned his eyes skyward "What time is it?"

"Shizune looked down at her wrist. "I don't know, Tsunade-sama lost my watch gambling,"

"Do we even have watches in this time period?"

"Why wouldn't we? We have walkie talkies and all…"

The raven haired medic-nin began to stand, using the tree for balance. "I guess I'd better get going…" She slurred wobbling on her feet, not noticing the firm hold on her arm until she was on the ground again. "What?"

"I lied before," Kabuto's grasp on her arm tightened.

She gave him a baffled look in return.

"You are kind of cute," He used his free arm to pull her face down to his, catching her lips off guard. Shizune's surprise was limited to all of .5 seconds in which it took her to respond. His eyes were pretty, after all.

…

Shizune yawned and pulled the top of her kimono over her shoulders. She turned her head as Kabuto stood.

"This never happened?" He zipped pulled up his pants.

She nodded. "Your eyes aren't pretty,"

He let a bittersweet smile escape, "And if anyone finds out?"

It was her turn to smirk, "It was the booze,"

Kabuto turned to the forest now, "But they won't because-

"-This never happened," Shizune swung her supply pack over her shoulder and headed off towards the village.

She was sure of it. Next time she found Kabuto lying half dead on the outskirts of Konoha she'd definitely finish him off.

*is so mad* Aggh!! No matter how hard I try my stories either turn into crack fics or the characters end up sleeping together! *gives up* this is not how I wanted it to turn out… It was suppose to stay K+ … Oh well. A review would be nice, constructive criticism even better. Thanks.

*** Keirakukei is the Chakra circulatory system **


End file.
